I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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