im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
