I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
