Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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