i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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