Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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