Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize