I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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