dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
