I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize