I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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