Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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