Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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