I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
