i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's Friday. Sex?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
