Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize