How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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