I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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