And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
