there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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