I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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