Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
