some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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