wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
