i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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