Sry I called you an 8
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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