So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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