Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
