So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
