He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
