My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize