Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm like, not good at living.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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