fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
