i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
