she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
