my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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