So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
