At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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