In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
