I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
