it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
