Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
