Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
