My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
