Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
