Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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