I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
