Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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