..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i think i have two assholes
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
