Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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