"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
