The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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