Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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