I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
