yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
