On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
