My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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