I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
