I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
