I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
